I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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