Got a toothbrush?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
