God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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