at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
