I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
