I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
