I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
