When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Is it penis luge time yet?
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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