The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
