I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
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OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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