Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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