Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
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I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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