wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
