Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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