He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
