she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
