she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
