Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
