If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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