It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
