Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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