1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
