I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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