I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
