dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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