everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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