We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Boobs speak an international language.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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