history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
