I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
