just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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