Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
