They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
