Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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