i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
