new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
