I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
