watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
