he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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