Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
