You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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