Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
