In the future we'll all be gay
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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