Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
