I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
