Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
