o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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