You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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