apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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