Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
