i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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