my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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