I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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