***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
