This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
