I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
