I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
