There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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