Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
